GENDERMANIA

Susan Lumiere

 11th of November 2020             AD, After Donald

CAVEAT LECTOR: This is voluminously long-winded and outrageously vexatious—so much so that I can send it only to a select few. Please consider reading it in segments, as the length, intensity, jokes and polysyllabism are overwhelming, even exhausting. The question is not whooz gonna let me rave on but, rather, whooz gonna stop me? If I manage to offend you, then I’ve done my job. You’ve been forewarned. Now, fasten your seatbelts, rev up the engines and let’s blast off!

   We’ve all heard of gerrymandering, but have you ever heard of “gendermandering”? No? If not, it’s because it’s a word I made up. Read ahead for details on this phenom, which could also be called “genderpandering.” (If you can’t get past this first paragraph, you may not make it to the end; but I hope you’ll stay onboard for this latest excursion into perversion. 🚎🤪All aboard!    

While pondering a perplexing question: WHO will be chosen to host Jeopardy! in lieu of my hero, the much-loved, recently departed Alex Trebek,👨🏼🦳 I reflected upon the rapidly growing diversity and inclusion of people of many stripes, making enormous inroads into heretofore unbreachable arenas: politics, careers, marriage, adoption, housing, entertainment, clergy, sports, etc., I thought that unless Alex, a white, straight male, is replaced by Ken Jennings, another white,  straight male, or by Watson the Computer—who defeated Jeopardy! superstars Jennings and Brad Rutter and is gender-neutral but lacks charisma and a mustache—in the spirit of ethnic pluralism and gender equality, the network might endeavor to find a host who represents many facets of our increasingly heterogeneous society. I postulated that the next Jeopardy! host might be a transgender, non-binary, 1/4 First Nation, 1/4 Croatian, 1/4 Mongolian, 1/4 Latinx, 1/2 Jewish, 1/2 evangelical, atheistic, Liberal-Conservative member of ACLU, QAnon, BLM and the Boy Scouts of America.    

    During the recent election, formerly unelectable “outlying” candidates swept into federal and state positions (and not into penitentiaries, for a change), flipping and ousting traditional office-holders.

   In Tennessee, Vermont, Georgia, Oklahoma, and Kansas, gay, transgender, black, Asian, and other politicians representing various combinations triumphed over rivals for the first time. For example, Mauree Turner was just elected to the Oklahoma State Legislature. Gender-neutrally speaking,  “they” is black, Muslim, queer, non-binary, nearsighted AND was elected in the Bible Belt.

    A Native American lesbian, who calls herself “Two Spirit,” is now a state representative-elect  in Oklahoma—in the “Tribal Belt”?    

     Sarah McBride of Delaware became the first transgender state senator in the USA. Before her transformation, was she known as Sarah McGroom?

    Most of us have heard of 🏳️🌈 LGBTQ; but did you know that there are at least FIFTY-EIGHT different gender classifications, let alone some people who identify with more than one? If you’re interested, you can look up LGBTQAI+ terminology to see all of the complex, confusing-as-hell, varied descriptions.

    As ostracized as other-gendered folks have been, there are advantages. To quote my favorite comedian, Rodney Dangerfield, being bisexual doubles your chances of getting a date on Saturday night. Rodney knew what it was like to be excluded. At the Westwood cemetery where Dangerfield aka Jacob Cohen is buried, his epitaph reads, “There goes the neighborhood.”

   Getting back to the burgeoning multiplicity of gender identities, there exist groups known as alloromantics (people who bring bouquets to allosauruses?); bois instead of boys (Since bois is “forest” in French, could we call Robin Hood and his Merry Men “Bois du Bois”?); no fewer than three subcategories of demigenders: demiboy, demigirl, and demiandrogyne;  (all of whom undoubtedly live in the demimonde, or fringes of society, the most prominent members of which are Demi Moore and Demi Lovato—or, wait—maybe those are two further subdivisions of demisexuality); gray romantics—not what you think—not people who are romantically attracted to octogenarian gray whales—the latter are known as cetophiles, 🐋 😍 zoophiles, podophiles,  bestiophiles or gerontophiles and can often be found floating around PHILE-adelphia); homoflexibles (human Gumbys who can perform amazing contortions during intimate acts?); panromantics (people who propose to their beloveds by buying them pots and pans instead of diamond rings?—one can imagine the kind of exciting lives and domestic bliss awaiting these couples, unless they also happen to be panromantic pyromaniacs); polysexuals (holdovers trapped in the seventies who think wearing polyester leisure suits will get them more dates?); QTPOCS or cutie pocs (having a pox is anything but cute); sapiosexuals  (I am one! but didn’t know it was a sexual “aberration”—people attracted to intelligence, sappy as that sounds. In my case, I was attracted to saps, men who lacked strength and character; and, to tell the truth, they weren't all that intelligent. 😳 What about Zappasexuals, people who are attracted to band members of The Mothers of Invention?); sexually fluid people (sounds rather messy and kinda slippery); and, finally, skoliosexuals

 (“twisted” orthopedic surgeons?)

    Hey, they left out necrophiliacs (people who like to neck or need a neck, like Shrek, for example, or people who are attracted to Shrek, Shrekrophiliacs— Are Dreckrophiliacs another name for coprophiles?And, while we’re in deep scatology; since “pedo” means fart in Spanish, do Spanish farts have different accents than French farts? Are “pedo”philes enamored of flatulence? And, is Wikipedia really a collection of particularly wicked farts?

   Oops, I just realized that I’ve traipsed from satirizing bewildering gender identification (gendrification?) into a minefield of aberration, deviation and self-defecating humor— meaning that, without copious editing, the number of people I can share this with is rapidly dwindling! I should apologize for the indelicate subject matter; but, feh, I’m too old to really care. Just commit deletion, if you object to excretion. No apology for coprology. And, for those of you who might be concerned, no dung beetles or Republicans were harmed during the writing of this paragraph—insulted, perhaps, but not harmed. 

Back to the baffling, psychosis-inducing smorgasbord of labels—possibly, in the guise of being helpful, a very messed-up bunch of “psycho” analysts dreamed up these often overlapping, redundant, interchangeable, oxymoronic, brain-numbing monikers in a ravening quest to pigeonhole humanity and have foisted the brands upon hapless, unsuspecting victims, who were, presumably, already in dire need of clarity before they encountered the sinister Svengalis, for what?—to produce catchy slogans for t-shirts, coffee mugs and bumper stickers?—“Proud Mother of a Polyamorous Genderqueer Drag King”, “Androsexual Cisgenders of the World: Unite!”, or “My Queerplatonic Gynesexual Non-binary Fourth Grade Child Just Made the Honor Roll at Christine Jorgensen Elementary School”?

And,  what about “the talk”? Coming out to one’s parents will take longer than William Henry Harrison’s inaugural address or the recitation of the Bhagavad Gita.

I can visualize a gaggle of pseudo-scientists hyperanalyzing each minute permutation and manifestation of sexual preference and attaching myriad labels to their patients, much like classifying the genera of insects. At the very least, it would make a great Gary Larson cartoon. 

Imagine the utter frustration and confusion of a person who goes to bed at night thinking he/she/it/ they/ is/are a butch, only to awaken in the morning not knowing if he/she/it/

they is/are a stud or even an aromantic!

   And don’t get me started on providing 58 separate bathrooms for gender “fluidity.” By the time, a person with a bloated bladder or swollen colon figures out which facility to use, it’ll be far too late! And aren’t we already abysmally deficient at providing enough restrooms to accommodate TWO genders? (Soon to be a thing of the past— what with the advent of unisex toilets 👫 🚽 👭 🚽👬)

     How about filling out census forms or checking boxes on drivers’ licenses?How would you like to wait in line at the DMV for two hours, only to be given a form with 58 choices for sex or gender preference in 31 languages from Haitian Creole to Ilocano? No wonder the lines are so long.

   BTW,  in some US states, the written drivers’ test is administered in American Sign Language. Talk about hand signals. The deaf and hearing-impaired are legally allowed to drive. If deaf people pass the written test, how can they follow visual instructions while taking the road exam, holding on to the steering wheel and looking straight ahead? At least they won’t be talking on a cell phone while driving. Texting? Not so sure.

   And, certainly, if the deaf are permitted to drive, isn’t that an example of discrimination against blind people who wish to drive? Although, to be fair, Braille IS available at drive-through ATMs. What, you say?—blind people ARE allowed to drive? Oh, okay, that explains a lot.

    Moving right along from fender benders to gender benders, here is my last concern;  and it’s a serious one. With regard to our Gay New World: What in the Sam/Samantha Hill are people supposed to use as wedding cake toppers when an agender graysexual marries an allosexual biromantic ?...or even more dizzyingly daunting , when a (dyslexic) biflexible cisgender has a polyamorous ceremony and marries a gender-expansive hermaphrodite AND a polyromantic skolio- sapient? Might as well just have a whole slew of Barbie Dolls, GI Joes, Village People, Penis-Woman and Vagina-Man on top of the multilayered,polychromatic boysenberry-girlsenberry-amaretto-mango-licorice-mocha-frapuccino wedding cake. I’d like to see a fundamentalist bakery risk being sued for refusing to bake THAT order for its clients.

   The reception and nuptial dinner will look like a variation of the mutant bar scene in “Total Recall.” Multi-gendered rabbis, priests and imams will perform the bottle dance,

 (filled with grape juice, 

 not wine, for the imams); and the brides and grooms will be hoisted aloft on sectional sofas. Actually, from now on, all those who choose to marry will be known as “brooms,” the former terminology being far too sexist! Midgets who marry will be referred to as “whisk brooms.”

As the blissfully wedded couple, throuple, and/or Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform “the wave” while taking off for their group honeymoon in their hybridized, electro-diesel, five-toned semi-tractor-trailer, guests will toss rainbow-colored popcorn, rice, confetti, snow cones and “comfortable” shoes at the celebrants.

   When the newlyweds arrive at their hideaway, they’ll play Roshambo (rock, paper, scissors) to decide who and how many get to do what to whom how, when and where. 

  And, just wait until these unusually matched duos, trios or sextets appear with Bob Eubanks on “The Newlywed Game”— “Wife of Throuple Number One, how many members of the wedding party will your husbands say were able to fit simultaneously onto the waterbed on your wedding night?”

     Or with Steve Harvey on “Family Feud”— We asked 100 transgenders all across America, “Who had better hair—J. Edgar Hoover or Ru Paul?”

    Or, how about that classy reality show, “Wifeswap”? Omnisexual, bicurious, demiromantic person of color trades wives for a week with Grand Deacon of First Pentecostal Church of Southern Alabama.

    I don’t know about ya’all, but, as much as I want all individuals to have rights, acknowledgment, freedom, and the chance to celebrate their differences, I’m kinda relieved that my dating days are but a distant memory. What I thought of (and my reputation rested upon) as wild, crazy, often risky adventures and trysts now seem mighty tame in comparison to the molto bizarro antics I read about today...or am I just a hopeless, old fuddy-duddette, stuck in a binary, vanilla “straight”jacket?