DEUTSCH UBER ALLES, or zo zome vould like

Susan Lumiere

Those Krauts are at it again. They always have to complicate, uberdramatize and obfuscate everything with their “Sturm und Drang,” “Walpurgis-nacht” und “Umschlagplatzen.” Try pronouncing the last word with a mouth filled mit “Schlag”—whipped cream! One of the many ways in which Teutons wreak havoc and exact revenge upon the world at large is by forcing non-Aryans to hear, read, write and utter impossibly ridiculous, tongue-twisting*, polysyllabic words. I personally like the richness, nuances and complexity of various languages; and I’m well aware of the lofty contributions of German writers, poets, lyricists, and philosophers, such as Goethe, Nietzsche, Schiller, Heine, Hesse, Schopenhauer and Kant. (Philosopher Immanuel Kant practiced lifelong celibacy. Kant either couldn’t or wouldn’t, except maybe immanually.)

   *Tongue twithterth have been uthed to cure hiccupth, lithpth, and other thpeech defectth—ath well ath to tetht dentureth and broadcathting jobth. (Their lives aren’t already hard enough?)

   Languages that are consonantal—Armenian, Georgian, Berber, Polish—some having 8 consonants in a row—are challenging to pronounce, to say the least. “Yer mladost prolazi burno, tamo gde timok pozdravlija veljkov 

grad” in Serbo-Croatian and “Al tiruni she ani schcarchoret sheshzafatni ha shamesh” in Hebrew were difficult lyrics for me to sing. Now y’all know how I became a twisted sister.

    Back to ze main menu, let’s face it, many German neologisms and smooshing together of numerous words into one monstrous Frankensteinian concoction in order to precisely describe something can be ludicrous and just cause for lampooning the beer-swilling buffoons.

   Recently, my friend, Jose, an expert in Linguistics and master of many languages, introduced me to the word “Schwellenangst,”

the fear of or aversion to crossing over a threshold or trying new things.

   The attachment below may not come through, but it is a compilation of 24 words which describe uneasy feelings which are difficult to explain. The German terms on this list, which also includes Latin, Greek, French and Japanese-derived words, are especially comical and downright clumsy. In case you can’t open the link, here are a few:

Maurerbauertraurigkeit:

the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends whom you really like. (I can see how just saying that word is enough to putsch people away. Could the desire to avoid them be because one’s comrades have been consuming too much bratwurst und sauerkraut and emitting copious, garlic-infused, furtive Furzen?)

Vemodalen: the frustration of photographing something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist. (For this, Kodachrome 

envy, as opposed to penis envy,Nuremberg neurotics need to spend years in psychotherapy? Just get over it already, Heinrich; or is that just another sneaky Heinrich maneuver?)

Ruckkehrunruhe: the feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness. (I guess that would depend upon how many Doppelbocks, Weihenstephaners

Spaten Franziskaners or Kostritzer Schwarzbiers one has drunk on said trip.)

Altschmerz: weariness with the same old issues, boring flaws and anxieties you’ve had for years.(In this era of Trumpomania, ad nauseam, it’s easy to 

fall prey to this affliction.)

    In doing further research, I discovered that the aforementioned list comes from a to-be-published book by John Koenig, “The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.”

   Perhaps I’m lacking in empathy; but somehow, in comparison with Covid; the struggle to stay healthy and provide for basic needs; the recession; economic ruin; racism; hunger; violence; homelessness; pollution; natural disasters; warfare; the erosion of democracy and our way of life; QAnon; climate change; extinction of plants, animals and ecosystems; threats of nuclear destruction; femicide; Asian killer wasps; kudzu; hogweed; hostility from Iran, North Korea, etc.; Sidney Powell; terrorism; the threat of global cyber attack; ...fill in your favorite 

crisis—these designer neuroses seem like luxuries for spoiled,

affected, entitled, whining kvetches who take themselves far too seriously and expect others to do the same. “Go Away, My Melancholy Baby.”

   I thought I was relatively compassionate and open-minded, but for those suffering from lacheism: a desire to be struck by disaster—to survive a plane crash or lose everything in a fire

(acquiring a computer virus isn’t enough for masochistic excitement-junkies?); kenopsia:

lamenting the eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that’s usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet (actual 2020 current Covid scenario, except for pubs frequented by non-mask-wearing RePUBlicans); or

adronitis: frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone (speed-daters and premature ejaculators of the world, take note), all I can say is it’s time to man up or woman down and resist the tendency to wallow in one’s solipsistic, narcissistic, self-indulgent world of Weltschmerzkugelangst-

geheimratkopfenfahrto-mania.**

   Take up stamp-collecting or scuba-diving in Jacuzzis. And always remember to aim high..fly, fight, win; we have a rendezvous with destiny and spiritus omnia vincit—the spirit conquers all

**Thus sprach Zarathustra. If the Germans can do it, so can I. When I made up the awkward “Germanic”

term, I didn’t know that “geheimratsecken” is a real word! It means receding hairline. “Weltschmerz,” which I did know, is a real word meaning “world pain,” (as opposed to word pain, an apt description for many of the above!)

“Kugelangst,” is a word I made up—anxiety about a noodle casserole—as is kopfenfahrt—also a Susanism—fartheads—although “fahrt” actually means “journey.” (a head trip, mayhap?)

  At any rate y’all should win a can of Wolfgang Puck’s gourmet Buchstabensuppe (BUKHshtabenzuppeh)—

German alphabet soup—

for getting through this convoluted welter of words; but you may need a “schat”of Schnapps instead! Auf Wienerschnitzel, Schatzi

🍺 🇩🇪 🌭 🥨 🍜 🍻 🤦♀️ 🙋♂️